Post by Leesha on Sept 21, 2008 3:15:16 GMT -6
Many stories start off with "it was a dark and stormy night." well, not mine. sure what happend may habe been horrible and "dark", but it was actually a beautiful day, the sun was out and not a cloud in the sky. I remember every detal of the day as if it were yesterday. It was a day I wish I could forget. I was only five years old. I was sitting in my bedroom, minding my own buisness playing with my toys when my dads friend walks into my room, now normally I dont find it weird at all but this time..this time was different, he had shut and locked my door..and right at that moment, i knew something was going to happen that would change my life forever. He walked over to me and bent down to my level and told me to take my clothes off, now, having had already taken my bath that day I knew it wasnt to take a bath, so of course I said no, i dont want to, but he wasnt having it, he was going to have me take off my clothes so he told me, "now do you want me telling your daddy you were being a bad girl?" I of course didnt so I listened and took my clothes off. I was sooo scared, I had absloutly no idea what was going .. a while of him touching my body and kissing me a few times he pulled down his pants and started to play with himself and began touching me more, after a few more minutes he told me to start doing the same thing he was doing to him, and of course I did because I deffently didnt want him to tell my parents I was being a bad girl. As he was getting ready to cum he told me to lay on my back and proceeded to cum on my stomach. I was freaking out because I had no idea what was happening, i mean I thought he was peeing on me!! I started crying and he told me it was ok and it was normal for that to happen. I didnt care, I was still scared out of my mind, I mean I still had absloutly no idea what just happened. He told me that im not allowed to tell anyone what had happened either because it would be bad if i did because I would be a bad girl. Little did I know that was only the beginning of a looooong 14 years of molestation and rape...and a whole new life for me..or at least what kind of life.
Growing up was tough, by the tim I was ten years old the molestation lead to me having to suck him and him fingering me. I was scared to death. I was deathly afraid of him and what he might do next. I couldnt have a day pass by that I didnt wake up in a cold sweat because I was having a nightmare. My dreams were always flashbacks of every time he molested me.
Now here is where it starts to truly mess my life up. I began to hang out with some older kids who lived near me and all of them were into smoking, so me wanting to fit in..no..needing to fit in somewhere..anywhere..I let them talk me into smoking. I finally fit in somewhere, little did I know that it was defiantly the wrong place to fit in. I was putting on a mask for myself...a mask of happiness. I thought I was happy, but that was the thing..i THOUGHT i was happy, but i was really depressed, deeply depressed, and all I kept doing was digging myself deeper into my depression. A depression that will forever consume my life and take over me until I just give up, but I refused to give up, I still do, sure I had my moments, but who doesnt.
Well, here I am, twelve years old. A girl with an entire secret life, a secret life just eating, fighting, dying to come out, im just too stubborn to let it. I think I was afraid to let it out. I shouldnt have been though, maybe everything wouldnt have turned out like it did if I were to have just broke down and told someone, showed some weakness, maybe things would be different. Well too late to change the past. The pain began to be too much that my friends got me started on pot a few months before my twelveth birthday..i was living the high life...literally..I hated it, every single minute of it, but I still refused to show that weakness, I still refused to let people in, still refused to tell anyone. Maybe thats why I was cutting, sometimes so bad that I would get lightheaded, a few times I even had to be rushed to the hospital. I was literally killing myself and I didnt care at all, instead I just kept using cutting, drugs, alcohol as my security blanket so I didnt have to let my emotions out and I could just blanket over them.
Right on my twelveth birthday I was at a party my friend was throwing seeing as it was also new years, I ended up going upstairs after a veryyyy long and very..lets say..interesting game of truth or dare..and ended up sleeping with my boyfriend. So there I was, a twelve year old alcoholic pot head who didnt care if she lived or died.
The next day I was talking to Chris about how I slept with him at the party and his dad (who is the one who molested me for all those years) over heard us talking and realized I wasnt a virgin anymore and he could finally start raping me without them knowing it was in fact him, so as I was getting ready for bed and just falling a sleep a few hours later I wake up to him on top of me raping me. I tried everything I could do to get him off of me but nothing was working, I wasnt going to get him off until he was done. I cried through the whole thing, I kept praying for it to end, and what felt like an eternity later he finally finished and I just laid there crying until I finally fell asleep after crawling into my brothers room and crying on his shoulder.
My brother was my life, my everything, I was nothing without my brother, if it werent for him i probably would have given up and killed myself. My brother and I were always extremely close, ever since I was a baby, nobody knew why exactly but we were. Anyways, A few days after I was raped my brother was shot and I was just devastated but luckily he was going to survive. I refused to leave the hospital and literally slept in the bed with him. My brother was always there for me so I was going to be there for my brother.
After my brother got out of the hospital I started with this "gang" as they liked to call themselves even though they werent a true gang. Yeah we delt drugs and had fights with other gangs but we werent a true gang. My initiation was to beat up this one kid we went to school with and I knew it was going to be easy so i of course did it. I knew It was stupid but I was always lucking out with the cops anyway and never got caught so i really didnt care anyways.
With my brother being shot and me starting to be raped and starting a gang I didnt really want to be in I fell into an even deeper depression than ever. I started doing hardcore drugs like heroin and crack to blanket my pain instead of the pot, and I was addicted immediately, and by this time i really didnt care what happened to me anymore so I was sleeping around so i could get drugs and or drug money, luckily i didnt sleep with anyone unless they wore a condom and only slept with people I knew for at least 3 days..not that that was any better, but I still had my principles.
At fourteen years old I was finally caught by my brother as I was trying to sleep with one of his friends so he would give me drugs and my brother hit me so hard I literally hit the floor. I was sooo upset with him I didnt talk to him for a week and went on a huge binge high the whole time. I mean I had already slept with a lot guys and reallly didnt care what happened to me anymore so I didnt care at the time if I lost my brother, even though I knew I already had. I ended up cutting myself and the guy I was dating at the time found me and had me rushed to the hospital and right then and there I said I was going to try get sober for my family and everyone who cared about me because I was finally realizing I dont need to hide my feelings or anything, if they truly love me they will help me through the rape and molestation, they wont run away from me, unfortunately I ended up not telling them about the rape, but I did get help though.
Shortly after I got out of the hospital I found out I had become pregnant and I was scared shitless! I had no idea what to do. I just knew I had to take care of my responsibility and tell the father and take care of her myself. I ended up lucking out and was with a terrific guy who was there for me and was going to be there for the baby. I was soo happy when I found out he was going to be there for me and help me through the pregnancy and raising her. I dont know what I would have done if he had turned into a deadbeat and just left, even though I knew he wasnt going to. My mom kicked me out of my house because of me keeping the baby and Jordan let me move in with him so i had to pick up a job and go to school. After Lexi was born I stayed in school and still tried to keep up with cheerleading and basketball.
After having Lexi my live changed soo much. I knew I was finally going to be off the drugs for good because of her. I was sooo afraid of starting again after I got out of the hospital but with Lexi, I knew I had someone I HAD to stay sober for and I wasnt going to let her down.
Ever since November 11, 2003 I have been compeltely sober of all pot and any other drug I use to take and I dont plan on ever taking drugs again. However the rape continued on, the depression was starting to go through cycles where i was reaaaally depressed for a while then I would be reallly happy for a long time because I still never told anyone that I was being raped. But finally in February of 2006 I came out to my brother that I was being raped and molested by Chris' dad and he was thrown into jail, unfortunately he got off within a year because of some deal his lawyer got him.
Back in January of 2007 he raped me for the last time because he was put into the hospital by Chris and will end up facing a life sentence without possibility of parole and I am soo thankful for everyone who helped me out, especially my friend and family who were there from me from day one when he first molested me, even though nobody knew why I was soo depressed and upset. I am very lucky to have the love and support from my family and friends, because if it werent for them I dont think I would be here anymore because I would have either gotten worse because of the drugs or killed myself because of them.
Growing up was tough, by the tim I was ten years old the molestation lead to me having to suck him and him fingering me. I was scared to death. I was deathly afraid of him and what he might do next. I couldnt have a day pass by that I didnt wake up in a cold sweat because I was having a nightmare. My dreams were always flashbacks of every time he molested me.
Now here is where it starts to truly mess my life up. I began to hang out with some older kids who lived near me and all of them were into smoking, so me wanting to fit in..no..needing to fit in somewhere..anywhere..I let them talk me into smoking. I finally fit in somewhere, little did I know that it was defiantly the wrong place to fit in. I was putting on a mask for myself...a mask of happiness. I thought I was happy, but that was the thing..i THOUGHT i was happy, but i was really depressed, deeply depressed, and all I kept doing was digging myself deeper into my depression. A depression that will forever consume my life and take over me until I just give up, but I refused to give up, I still do, sure I had my moments, but who doesnt.
Well, here I am, twelve years old. A girl with an entire secret life, a secret life just eating, fighting, dying to come out, im just too stubborn to let it. I think I was afraid to let it out. I shouldnt have been though, maybe everything wouldnt have turned out like it did if I were to have just broke down and told someone, showed some weakness, maybe things would be different. Well too late to change the past. The pain began to be too much that my friends got me started on pot a few months before my twelveth birthday..i was living the high life...literally..I hated it, every single minute of it, but I still refused to show that weakness, I still refused to let people in, still refused to tell anyone. Maybe thats why I was cutting, sometimes so bad that I would get lightheaded, a few times I even had to be rushed to the hospital. I was literally killing myself and I didnt care at all, instead I just kept using cutting, drugs, alcohol as my security blanket so I didnt have to let my emotions out and I could just blanket over them.
Right on my twelveth birthday I was at a party my friend was throwing seeing as it was also new years, I ended up going upstairs after a veryyyy long and very..lets say..interesting game of truth or dare..and ended up sleeping with my boyfriend. So there I was, a twelve year old alcoholic pot head who didnt care if she lived or died.
The next day I was talking to Chris about how I slept with him at the party and his dad (who is the one who molested me for all those years) over heard us talking and realized I wasnt a virgin anymore and he could finally start raping me without them knowing it was in fact him, so as I was getting ready for bed and just falling a sleep a few hours later I wake up to him on top of me raping me. I tried everything I could do to get him off of me but nothing was working, I wasnt going to get him off until he was done. I cried through the whole thing, I kept praying for it to end, and what felt like an eternity later he finally finished and I just laid there crying until I finally fell asleep after crawling into my brothers room and crying on his shoulder.
My brother was my life, my everything, I was nothing without my brother, if it werent for him i probably would have given up and killed myself. My brother and I were always extremely close, ever since I was a baby, nobody knew why exactly but we were. Anyways, A few days after I was raped my brother was shot and I was just devastated but luckily he was going to survive. I refused to leave the hospital and literally slept in the bed with him. My brother was always there for me so I was going to be there for my brother.
After my brother got out of the hospital I started with this "gang" as they liked to call themselves even though they werent a true gang. Yeah we delt drugs and had fights with other gangs but we werent a true gang. My initiation was to beat up this one kid we went to school with and I knew it was going to be easy so i of course did it. I knew It was stupid but I was always lucking out with the cops anyway and never got caught so i really didnt care anyways.
With my brother being shot and me starting to be raped and starting a gang I didnt really want to be in I fell into an even deeper depression than ever. I started doing hardcore drugs like heroin and crack to blanket my pain instead of the pot, and I was addicted immediately, and by this time i really didnt care what happened to me anymore so I was sleeping around so i could get drugs and or drug money, luckily i didnt sleep with anyone unless they wore a condom and only slept with people I knew for at least 3 days..not that that was any better, but I still had my principles.
At fourteen years old I was finally caught by my brother as I was trying to sleep with one of his friends so he would give me drugs and my brother hit me so hard I literally hit the floor. I was sooo upset with him I didnt talk to him for a week and went on a huge binge high the whole time. I mean I had already slept with a lot guys and reallly didnt care what happened to me anymore so I didnt care at the time if I lost my brother, even though I knew I already had. I ended up cutting myself and the guy I was dating at the time found me and had me rushed to the hospital and right then and there I said I was going to try get sober for my family and everyone who cared about me because I was finally realizing I dont need to hide my feelings or anything, if they truly love me they will help me through the rape and molestation, they wont run away from me, unfortunately I ended up not telling them about the rape, but I did get help though.
Shortly after I got out of the hospital I found out I had become pregnant and I was scared shitless! I had no idea what to do. I just knew I had to take care of my responsibility and tell the father and take care of her myself. I ended up lucking out and was with a terrific guy who was there for me and was going to be there for the baby. I was soo happy when I found out he was going to be there for me and help me through the pregnancy and raising her. I dont know what I would have done if he had turned into a deadbeat and just left, even though I knew he wasnt going to. My mom kicked me out of my house because of me keeping the baby and Jordan let me move in with him so i had to pick up a job and go to school. After Lexi was born I stayed in school and still tried to keep up with cheerleading and basketball.
After having Lexi my live changed soo much. I knew I was finally going to be off the drugs for good because of her. I was sooo afraid of starting again after I got out of the hospital but with Lexi, I knew I had someone I HAD to stay sober for and I wasnt going to let her down.
Ever since November 11, 2003 I have been compeltely sober of all pot and any other drug I use to take and I dont plan on ever taking drugs again. However the rape continued on, the depression was starting to go through cycles where i was reaaaally depressed for a while then I would be reallly happy for a long time because I still never told anyone that I was being raped. But finally in February of 2006 I came out to my brother that I was being raped and molested by Chris' dad and he was thrown into jail, unfortunately he got off within a year because of some deal his lawyer got him.
Back in January of 2007 he raped me for the last time because he was put into the hospital by Chris and will end up facing a life sentence without possibility of parole and I am soo thankful for everyone who helped me out, especially my friend and family who were there from me from day one when he first molested me, even though nobody knew why I was soo depressed and upset. I am very lucky to have the love and support from my family and friends, because if it werent for them I dont think I would be here anymore because I would have either gotten worse because of the drugs or killed myself because of them.
So Sad 